What is self-esteem? You don’t get it just by telling kids they’re wonderful.

Buying a backpack and stocking it with freshly sharpened pencils and brand new books is a great way to get kids ready for school. But parents also need to provide other tools that go far beyond the bookbag.

You can’t just tell kids they’re wonderful and send them off to class brimming with self-esteem. The start of school brings social and emotional pressures that present enormous challenges for kids.

To adults juggling a multitude of work and family obligations, those long-ago days in school may represent a carefree time without mortgage payments. Remember instead how intensely anxiety-provoking it felt starting a new job where you weren’t sure you’d be considered competent and capable? Multiply that anguish many times and you may have some idea of what your child can be feeling.

Even the most self-assured children approach a new year with worries. Will they make new friends and keep the old friends? Will they measure up to what’s expected in academics and extracurricular activities? Where’s the new classroom? What if they disappoint their parents or teachers? How will they sit still at their desks after a summer of freedom? 

Along with the academic skills children acquire in school as they grow, they are learning to rely on themselves and grow their self-esteem. They can use some help from the caring adults in their lives as they build the social and emotional smarts that foster self-reliance.

Small lessons are the best way to strengthen these skills, making use of opportunities that show up every day. Try some of these tips for social and emotional activities,  developed and field-tested on hundreds of kids in WINGS after school programming over more than a decade.

The routines and rituals of family life are very reassuring to children. Use rituals to create a predictable emotional connection as they leave for school and return home.

If you drop your child off in a carpool line, maybe the ritual could be unhooking the child’s seatbelt and offering each other a “high five.” Maybe it’s as simple as a kiss on the nose as your kid heads out the door. Get your child to participate in creating the ritual. Stick with it, even if your kids say, “Oh, Dad,” and roll their eyes. This is the kind of routine your kids will secretly love, so ignore their protests.

Help your kids boost their confidence. Don’t just tell them they’re wonderful in vague terms; it’s more effective to be specific. See if you can give your kid five pieces of positive feedback a day -– now and forever! “When you clear the dinner dishes from the table the way you did tonight, it is such a big help to me. Thanks!”

As a family, discuss what would be a good routine to make the mornings before school run smoothly for all. Have each family member write on separate scraps of paper three things important to them – for example, sleeping as long as possible, or being on time for Friday morning band practice. Spread out the written scraps and brainstorm a realistic plan that will give the most people want they want. Have the kids write up the plan and post it.

Pick a time to talk about school worries. “So, you are worried about finding your classroom?” “I see you are worried that nobody will like you.”

Write down the worries and sort them into two containers – can do something about/can’t do anything about. “You can’t control whether people like you – except to be your wonderful self!” but “You certainly can find out where your classroom is beforehand.” Brainstorm solutions and put the plans in the appropriate jar.

A good way to stay connected with your kids and help ease their anxiety is to tell stories of your school days, especially with happy endings. Let your child know it’s normal to feel nervous. Acknowledge your own feelings as well as theirs, and model for your child what will help. You might say, “When I miss you, I’m going to touch this pebble in my pocket. You can do the same. Let’s make sure there are pockets in the clothes you wear to school.”

With the busy lives we lead, it can be easily overlooked how essential social and emotional smarts can be in the development of children. They need to learn to understand themselves, behave responsibly, form positive relationships and make good decisions.

Teaching these important lessons can be simple, if you seize the opportunities that show up every day. Remember that staying emotionally connected in ways big and small helps give your child the confidence to grow.